I’ve lived with disability for a long, long time.
I have multiple disabilities. Most are the “invisible” kind, the kind that’s not apparent visually like for instance a wheelchair. But I have one disability I’ve lived with my entire life that is actually pretty visible: a movement disorder called essential tremor.
As I’ve gotten older some of my disabilities have gotten easier to deal with. But others have worsened with time, and I’ve even picked up a couple of new ones along the way. This is pretty normal. Most older folks will end up with some level of impairment eventually in their lives; those who escape unharmed are the lucky few. So I’ve always understood that the first rule of dealing with disability is compassion. Just comprehending that someday it could be you in the place of whoever it is that’s needing accommodations for their disability. (And maybe it already is you.)
I admit I have often struggled with applying this to myself. As a BDSM dominant, as The Mistress, The Goddess, The Owner in a D/s relationship I wish to hold myself to a higher standard. But it’s unhealthy to be too perfectionistic and the rule of compassion must apply even to oneself.
The second rule in my book for dealing with disability is carefully managing my resources. You might for instance be familiar with the metaphor of spoons. The spoons in a drawer represent the energy I have available in a day; I can only spend the number of spoons I have in the drawer and that’s it. When they’re gone I have to rest, period, whether other people think I should be working or socializing or whatever.
This applies to other resources too. Disability, for me, brings a limited amount of all sorts of resources: time, energy, mental focus, pain tolerance, money, etc. I needed to learn to manage my life around my resources. Learn to do things when & how I’m able. And learn to forgive myself for not being able to just do them on a whim, or when others might want me to do them.
Which brings me to rule number three: ask for help. Which has honestly been such a hard thing for me to learn to do as a dominant. I like to do it myself. I’m used to doing all the things myself. And letting go of that is hard for me. But the people around me care about me and they want to help. (I mean, that’s what slaves are for right?) So I’ve learned to let go of my need to be in control every single second and ask for help already.
All of this is a process. I’m still learning to have compassion for myself. Still learning to manage my resources. And definitely still learning to ask for help. But in my journey through life as a disabled person, as a disabled dominant, these are the rules that have helped me get by.
